The Year of Reason

Capitola on 4th of July weekend. Something I did not feel the need to question.

I have run into a never-before-seen, first of its kind, completely unique feeling - I am 25 and deeply confused about the state of my life. In response I am grasping at straws to try and identify a problem, and further, a solution. So far we have ticked off sobriety, questioning my relationship, my career, who I’m spending my time with, and the feng shui of my home. I regret to report that none of these explorations have ended in a feeling of great resolve, and the open case of Why The Fuck Do I Feel This Way is increasingly distracting from my actual life that continues to unfold in the background.

I hope that sentence was disturbing to you. My life is unfolding in the background. It wasn’t until yesterday, after months of discomfort, that I finally questioned: Is this really that serious? Serious enough that I’ve almost completely lost my sense of presence?

My cat, who is never the problem and almost exclusively the solution.

A much older and wiser friend told me on Monday that he believes I’ve reached my Year Of Reason. He further explained that I am properly leaving behind a “kid’s mindset” and that I’m starting to see every bit of my life with more meaning - the choices that I make or don’t, how I spend my time and treat my body, what I’m planning for my future and who I’m involving in it. The once liberating prospect of endless possibilities is closing in and bringing with it the realization that I am fully responsible for this actual human life and the outcomes of it, for better or for worse.

It might just be that everything is a sign when you’re looking for one, but what my friend said really resonated with me. It was comforting to hear someone articulate a feeling I’ve been wrestling with for so long, and it didn’t hurt that it had a sick, auspicious name like Year Of Reason. It later made me think fondly about my older friends who constantly remind me that I am experiencing life’s whack ass obstacles exactly as they were intended.

A recent, highly vibrational car wash/what I tell myself outer space looks like.

Armed with this knowledge, I went where all the girls go to really sort things out (indeed, Home Goods) and was there for approximately three hours. I let myself have everything I wanted and didn’t overcomplicate it because I’m realizing that perhaps it’s really not that serious.